It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
is this store having a stroke wtf
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
