Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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Mistakes were made
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
new shirt idea
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can