Me: Good night Moon
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE I DO WAN’T TO MEET HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Lady GaGa is easily the scariest of all the Muppets.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.