it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher