it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.