Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.