It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
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(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Perfect.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.