It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
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There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.