It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
kitchen magnet
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
no way 😭
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”