Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

you should fight them

– me as a therapist

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING