Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

*seductively corrects your posture*

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.