It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Snack for election night!
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Name another movie that mislead you?
