Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Feels

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*