It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
You Might Also Like
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
This dude got his own movie?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
rapatouille
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.