Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]