It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”