[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?
“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: I just sunk my teeth into the first guy I saw on the street
Teacher: I’m afraid that’s a bit pedestrian
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
What program do Jedi use to PDF files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends