It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets