It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”


Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?


Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:


Vampire school
Me: I just sunk my teeth into the first guy I saw on the street
Teacher: I’m afraid that’s a bit pedestrian


God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.



Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.


If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.


Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.


PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends