It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I’m crying im so happy for them
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”