It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..