It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
You Might Also Like
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan