It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
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If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure