Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

are there any atheist mantises?

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.