Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Always a housemaid, never a house.