It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
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Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Thoughts
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Pigeon open mic night.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.