Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience