it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.