it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
This a good idea
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
i think both sides are to blame here
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”