Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.