It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Anime is real
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related