It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
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-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Customer is always right
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
