It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
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“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
The legends were true
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.