Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!