Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

perfect

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this