It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.