It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
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Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.