It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Morning all.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
