It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
#milo
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
In Canada they just call them geese
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Confused owl: What?!
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
