It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
happy halloween
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Probably my best painting.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”