Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

be safe out there!

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

I didn’t come here to be called names

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Don’t frighten the programmers!