It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Buying a well is money well spent.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.