It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
the battle rages on
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks