It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
The Compass
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor