Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible