It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
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What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Bobby pin
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry