It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’