It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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Ugh
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.