It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person