It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
You Might Also Like
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.