Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Ken is short for chicken

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

My dryer is celebrating lint.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Finished stitching this today 😇

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing