Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.