It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
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At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
This is a sub tweet
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
