Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

We need it on priority

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

😭

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner