It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
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3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it’s not that cold out!?
Me:So other Moms don’t judge me and talk shit, Buddy.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“How long you here for?”
-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know