It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.


3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it’s not that cold out!?

Me:So other Moms don’t judge me and talk shit, Buddy.


Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside


My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.


Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?


Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.


“How long you here for?”

-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city


ME: I got you a therapy cat


ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach


Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know