It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

You Might Also Like


All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.


Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.


If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.


[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?


[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”


Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*







Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god


I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.


I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular


HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!