[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
OH. COME. ON.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*