It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Namaste
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
S M O L
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.