it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
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Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.