It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Thinking about Jeff
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
☺️
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.