It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
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An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
(Gaming support cat.)
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?