Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

I hope Alan is OK

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.