It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
scares
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever