Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

same bro

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.