Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

applying for a new job

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”