It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
So Hamburger help me, God
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”