It’s his time
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
jesus, what did this guy do
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.