It’s his time
You Might Also Like
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Sex so good you see dead people.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap