Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.