It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
why isn’t he texting back
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.