It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.