Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

saw this in a dream

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.