“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
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Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?