It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Scream sneezers need love too.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
How dude HOW?!
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.