It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Bro what is this
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
She might be a genius
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me