It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Think I pulled my liver
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me too, bag. Me too….
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.